Because leafy greens are good for health.
So I thought, I could use some time by the sea. I flagged a taxi with two cans of beer in tow. After a longish ride I got off and walked to an unoccupied patch of sand. It was 3am but there were still people around. I sat down and stared at the sea for a while, Then I opened a can of beer and gulped most of it down. it tasted awful. No matter how many times I try, alcohol just tastes awful to me.
I thought to lie down and sleep till sunrise, So I put my bag on the sand, laid my head on it and closed my eyes, ready to succumb to the sounds of the waves. Within 10 seconds a gale force wind started up. I got sand in my face and mouth and leftover beer. It was a freaking sandstorm. The trees were sweeping and bending. "Fine," i said, and took myself to the nearby cafe just as it started raining. The wind swept through the area and it got too chilly. Finally I decided I ought to be in bed, the most comfortable of sleeping places. So shivering and a little light headed, I walked back to the main road, stiff like an electrocuted fox.
Moral of the story: I need a thick windbreaker hoodie.
When I get a proper hoodie.
WH and I went to watch the musical at Marina Bay Sands the week before. It was my very first time watching and listening to PotO, I didn't even do any research online because I wanted to experience it with a blank slate !
I searched for songs to cure my ear-worm and I found that I liked the movie version better than the 25th Anniversary version. This Christine sounds much more tender and natural than the 25th Anniversary one imo. So, here are my three favorite songs that I kept wanting more of !
This song caught my ears and heart the moment I heard Christine sang the first line in the theatre. I listened intently, trying to catch every word. I felt that the song was quite sad, but not in a bad way at all, because the emotions are so beautiful and hopeful at the same time. Even though I didn't make out all the lyrics immediately, something about it just went straight to my heart. ^^
This ... well, nothing needs to be said about this one ... ^^
This song gives me a funny feeling. Like entering a scene in a book with yellowed pages, like something very old, but very familiar.
I heard this question. For a moment I had this fear that karma is going to come back to kick me in my behind. How would anyone want to work with an apathetic freeloader who is always late with the admin? Will my future children be in unsafe hands because of my attitude towards my work? Recently, i had a momentary freeze-up When i had to deal with some notorious unreasonable, rude and apathetic students in a class. I told myself - karma has come to get me like my mom said it would, when I was behaving just like that in my teenage years. It is an incredibly toxic and helpless psyche and i psychologically doomed me to failure before I even needed to try. Why bother when this is my lot and my payback, my punishment for the wrong I had done - the same thought I had when I was so angry and disgusted with myself a few years back for a different reason.
Conditioned helplessness much? When i realised what had happened, I told myself I must never say that to my children. But being aware is only one part of the puzzle.
And then I realised that this is what I have believed about myself, that I am good for nothing and really not that outstanding of an employee. I could've done better - am capable of doing it if I could make myself choose to. My enthusiasm has been doused in cold water together with my desire for being useful, creative and productive.
I have been behaving like what Sensei observed of my kamae, I have been "fighting on the outside" - mentally saying "just get away from me" while sticking the tip of my shinai at my opponent like how one would stick a broomstick fearfully at a roach. But the issue is - unlike a shiai, I just didn't want to care about anything. I feel like when i don't know how to spring clean a corner and want to throw everything out and start over instead. I just want to get away and to start on a clean slate. Sensei also said if you can walk away from a training, you can walk away from anything. I'm not walking away yet, but I'm not doing anything productive either.
Honestly speaking this isn't a difficult work. The pay and benefit is good, and apart from sensibly dealing with some difficult people, I have quite a lot of control and say in how I want to work and plan my time. As long as i don't do something incredibly stupid, it is pretty stable and predictable work. and if I make good use of my stint here, perhaps I can even do something meaningful and with lasting impact. On the other hand, I caught sight of a lately: "don't stay where you are tolerated, go where you can be celebrated". Can I really be celebrated? After all, it is not where you are but when you make of it, right? my attitude will follow me and haunt me wherever I go, and I am really too apathetic to seem to want to change. Have I stepped on Chinese ghost paper money? Did my brilliant potential attract some sort of evil eye curse? Was it the mirror I broke?
Will I ever come out of this?
The recent spurt of news articles on teenage withdrawal got me musing about my own teenage years.
I used to try locking myself in the toilet or in my room when I felt angry or upset. I would yell at my mom and tell her to shut up and leave me alone if she scolded me for it. Unfortunately, like most older Chinese parents, my mom got furious. She would break the lock, drag me out and give me a good beating. So I didn't become a hikkimori, but up till my first weeks in university, i locked myself up in the toilet during break time because i didn't know what to do. I retreat to my room if strangers knock on the door, unless they are postman bringing my parcels in. even recently, I often feel like going away somewhere on my own where I don't have to speak or answer to anyone. Maybe kendo saved me.
My mom has been watching a lot more television than usual lately, and I got to see some of those as I'm on leave. I can't say I'm impressed ... The emotions, interactions behaviors of people on tv are incredulously unrealistic, overly dramatic, presumptuous and illogical; I doubt real intelligent people behave like that and I really don't think it is healthy for people to keep seeing behaviors like that.
A hail-and-wind storm has swept through the neighborhood while I was away at the Legal-aid office with my mom. There are chunks of things everywhere and even uprooted trees. Looks like I missed a whole lot of action that I'd have loved to witness ... It's a rarity for a little flat tropical country to experience anything like this.
Me: you're not allowed on the kitchen counter ! Our cutlery is there and your paws are dirty! Would you like me to handle your food after my toilet break?
Leo: >.< *guilty look* *starts licking paws*
Me: -_- that is not going to help.
I'm at this traditional tea house in the old streets of mountain town Jioufen, Taiwan.
There is much to be thankful for, but if anything's to be learnt, I'm definitely going to pick my own accommodation next time.
The second thing I noticed about this place is that it has a grand population of three - a chained-up excitable terrier, a sick, fearful looking hill mynah and a chippy parakeet.
I would like to play fetch with the terrier, but the owners were afraid that he would run away - and try to nurse the pathetic, shabby looking hill mynah back to a semblance of how hill mynahs should look like.
I had mint tea. Maybe a litre of it. Not sure if it helps in my cough or chilling my irritation.
It's made from organic backyard-grown mint leaves with a pinch of rock sugar. Organic farming is big in this town.
I'm damn irritated. Maybe that's because I've been traveling all day and maybe because I'm tired, except I don't feel tired at all. It's not even PMS. I just wanted to go on a trip, be left alone to observe things quietly.
people tagged along. would be glad to follow whatever i plan they said. wouldn't mind at all they said. lies i say, because they do ! Do whatever you want ! we'll just tag along. where are we going next ? what about this ? How are we getting there? Are we going there ? (Insert name here) planned all these. (Kitt didn't plan this trip at all) And still I have to respond to and cater to and answer to people and actually mind things. it's getting on my nerves. It's grating on my nerves and I'm pissed. It's not my trip anymore. maybe I should take my luggage and going off on my own. Hail a cab and find a place to stay in the next town. Take the rail and get off wherever and spend the night at one of those small coastal town we passed. I need that quiet time so bad I think I'm going to cry.
Maybe I should really just go back earlier after all. I did want a holiday before, but now, I just want to train and I hate it that I have to miss trainings.
Sometimes, just because someone lost does not means that you have won.
Question is whether you have merely made an opponent lose. And even then, is that even good enough? Even though sometimes I feel like I want to just leave it at that, that it would suffice for then, the answer is no.
And here comes the real-life question. How does one win without making another lose ?
My hair is curling nicely today without any apparent effort from me. Yeah !
Well, I'll have to wash it after training later ... But it is still a day of pretty wavy hair.
My family has sent stuff like these back to Readers' Digest for years and we have never won anything from them. They keep offering stuff at inflated prices ($88 for a book?) and not very well-made costume jewelry unevenly studded with Swarovski crystals which you have to buy to be eligible for certain additional bonuses (a car this year).
My mom had already crushed the stuff and was going to toss this in the waste paper basket but I thought perhaps we could just send it in one last time since I could use a car and extra cash when I get married. Might just be a silly thing to do, but oh well.
I'm considering coming back from Taiwan two days earlier so that I will not miss AKT training next Sunday. I initially planned so that I leave next Monday so that I will not miss Sunday training, but training has been postponed to the week after because the Japanese school is closed this weekend.
Observe Leo's emerging paunch in Figure 1.1. It isn't obvious on this photo but most of the time we can see Large bulges oozing out from his sides when he sat or laid down. He has been over eating and weighs 6.6 kilos now. Moon has a habit of eating a little at a time, so often he would go up to Moon's bowl and conveniently finishes the food on her behalf. The vet was incredibly amused by how fast he gained weight, then commented that cat obesity is a real danger.
An ion walked into a bar and said, "I lost an electron !"
The bartender was incredulous. "Are you sure?" He asked.
"Yes," the ion said, "I'm positive!"
In the past I missed my chance to go for ASEAN team selection twice. I remembered feeling upset and left out back then, but now, I realize that I don't exactly feel immensely proud or excited. Instead I wonder "ok, cool, so what's the next thing I need to work on?"
Team selection result is out. I am in team B. this makes me more serious than if I were in team A because I am going to be the most senior player on the team along with Ling Hui. Which means I have a big, big responsibility. Which means I have slightly less than two months to seriously whip myself into shape. i have to be strong not only physically and skill-wise, but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I must be strong for the team.
I made a promise to write at least one positive thing in my journal every day, and if the day hadn't gone well, I have to find something to be positive about. Else I'll have to shut this blog.
Today I learnt that many things that we think of ourselves are actually pretty insignificant. When i realised how tremendous the weight that some other people carry was, I found that the things I had been lamenting about was really quite childish and immaterial... And pretty self-centered. It was quite embarrassing. I also learnt that I have a big ego and I'm quite arrogant deep down inside. Maybe I am proud.
Anyway... I was initially rather tired and didn't quite have the good night's sleep that I thought I would get. I woke up of my own accord at about 6:30 or 7am. I got a few small things done at work, and after lunch, decided that I'll go for training because I wanted to be better and there were stuff that I wanted to fix, and Peter Sensei would be there as well. To my surprise Effendy sempai was presently at training as well, sitting at the side and frowning at us. Zen master Takuen mentioned that "wanting to show off the results of training" is actually one of the "sickness of the mind", but I couldn't help but wanted to appear my best. Unfortunately I didn't tie my do himo properly and my do was lopsided for the most part of kihon, and several of my cuts slipped sideways. So much for honoring the presence of a long lost sempai.
Effendy stood up to say hello to me when I ran over after training, and, to my surprise, praised my kendo. I wasn't expecting that, so I just blurted for him to not praise me because I'd feel embarrassed. I mean, I felt that I ought to be the most solid today anyway, since I was the most senior player at the training. If I wasn't, then something is seriously wrong with me.
But still, there's nothing quite like a timely encouragement from a sempai.
Well, I think that's about it. I have a site throat and aching feet from the camp, and I am also going to pass out soon. G'night all !
As a side note, I did obtain a very nice journal name sometime ago from a nice person who set it up a long time ago but didn't use it. She gave me the account because I really liked that name. Perhaps I might start writing there soon.
So... I believe the Senseis are almost done with their selection. Browsing through my older entries, I went through the reasons for wanting to be part of the team that I wrote down.. and realised that not all the reasons are still accurate. I still want to fight and win with beautiful kendo, (hopefully also with enough room for a little bit of self-gratifying smugness one day... Nah, I jest.) but the goal is no longer just about trying to prove myself. That is defensive, "backward" thinking. A more apt way to put it - somewhat in Kubo sensei's word - is to send my heart forward. I realised once again that there are some things that can only be done when your heart is going forward.
I was a tad grumpy this morning, and physically aching and somewhat in pain in various parts of my body. Then I realised that it was a beautiful morning ... I'm surrounded by friends, doing something I love. I had been allowing so many things to get me down.
Then I realised that I can let me enjoy myself. I'm not feeling the best, but I am definitely having fun.
Well, not really. But yeah I know i give people ammunition to shoot me with... and some people derive fun from doing things like that. But I've seen worse when i was in primary school so ... Whatever man. -_-
I've nicknamed an orb spider the Uncomfortable Spider due to its large size and its choice to build a web between two shrubs along a pavement that I take to get home... and the uncomfortable feeling that it gave me if I looked too closely at it. It has grown larger in recent weeks.
Recently I got lazy and have been taking the taxi home instead of the bus. While it is good for when you just don't want to think or pay attention to anything, it also means I lose out on opportunities to observe many things around me.
Today I decided to take a bus and walk home. I had been indoors all day, and it looked like a storm or heavy rain had passed through the neighborhood. As I passed the shrubs, I caught sight of the tangled remnants of the once neat, well-maintained sprawling web of the Uncomfortable Spider. It had been a while since I last walked that way, but most spiders wouldn't end up looking that disheveled. A closer investigation seemed to confirm my fears. Uncomfortable Spider was hanging still by a claw-like leg from a thick line of twisted web, missing several leg-joints. I tried to create air movement to see if it might react to the disturbance, but it didn't move at all. Is it dead ? I didn't really want to prod further to find out, but I walked on in disappointment, hoping it was an act of nature and not cruel people.
Maybe I just don't care about anyone or anything enough to do anything for them. Maybe that's why I don't make close friends because I know ultimately I will let them down. I can not and will not return their emotional favors and I will not change for them.
Once I even imagined how i would be like as a parent. I imagined talking to my children, telling them I'm sorry mommy can't care for you like other Mommys do. It shouldn't be like this but you have to try to be independent.
Kendo is my last discipline master and councilor. Beyond that, i guess Only God can help me.
Clint Eastwood once said: "A genius to me is someone who does well at something he hates. Anybody can do well at something he loves - it's just a question of finding the subject."
I don't think it's not so much about being a genius than having enough common sense and a touch of sensibility, but I have simply shut out everything.
I am quite sick of myself being the way I am and have been... careless, aimless, passionless. It's not about anything else but myself. I have no heart to do anything well, or really do anything for that matter. I exist, but I do not live.
Deep down I was a person who craved action, creativity, perfectionism and excellence but I am like a Tinman now so where is my heart? Where's my fire? Gone gone gone. I have an emotional disconnection with everything else in the world, if I have emotions left at all. Am I chronically depressed or what.
It's absurd anyway because I am totally not being sensible, right.
Appreciate for the reassurance. Or whatever. I RESPECT your opinions. Sorry to belittle ideals with my worthless thoughts and desires, I should just like, not be seen and not be heard. Maybe I should wear a hijab and cover my face so that I don't show myself off. Oh dear. Actually, how about just quit work and hide my shameful face in a corner for the rest of my life too !
I have gained 6kg since I started work, and a total of 8 since I started university.
That can't be good.
But who cares.
Journeymen don't seem to have shoulders. This is perhaps due to the fact that they have no visible arms. Maybe their arms are capes so if you make them take their capes off they would turn into a star and die. Maybe that's what happens when they walk into the light. It's nice and warm now, let's take the cape off and ... oops. Like turtles if you make them take off their shells? But the problem is human people have shoulders. How does one make shoulders appear to disappear?
I hadn't really played or wanted to play a game for a long time, but when i saw the cover art by chance, I knew I had to play it.
The quirky journeyman and how he makes his way across the vast desert, the old story told in wordless chimes, glyphs, ruins and visions, the dancing cloth creatures, remnants of a history long past but still chirpy and energetic, and the cycle of struggle and rebirth are just some of the things that make the story really sad but captivating at the same time. The journeyman has no power against the destructive mechanical creatures that me meets. I think it is precisely what makes it all the more gripping and your option is to keep moving forward.
the only way i can get back at the nasty mechanical creatures is to step on the bodies of their wrecked ancestors.
isn't there a Chinese idiom about learning from the past?
Wandering about the vast desert, I started pondering about the past of this once-great civilization. What happened? Why did they do what they did? Did any white-robe survive, or are these just mirages left behind by those who realised they had to tell the future journeymen about what happened?
I guess people would either love it or find it boring. I think it's quite lovely.
Just because I'm an introvert doesn't mean I don't miss my friends.
An animal rescue Facebook group started a topic. What is the crazies thing you have ever done for your cat?
People travel great distances, slept on the floor, went through inconveniences and snow and blizzard for their pets. That is all very admirable, I suppose. But the craziest thing I had done regarding my cats was simply to bring them home and keep them. It is not a single event, but a long, ongoing process
This applies especially to Moon. She was such an angry, antisocial cat that i wanted to give up. My dad even told my mom to leave the front door open, let her wander out when i'm not around and pretend she is lost forever. Her weariness and aggression wears people down mentally and spiritually.
But after some time, I realised that her anger and temperament came from a lot of places, which only time and hopefully a safe, peaceful environment and trust could replace in the long run. I will also get the vet to confirm if she is short sighted on our next visit. Perhaps this is why she gets so angry at hands, especially those that may seem to her to have popped out from nowhere. One of the many good thing that came about was that after spending time with her, I was no longer so intimidated when I step into my most challenging classes.
Under her aggression and flying fur, which she sheds by the heaps whenever she was stressed and upset, she is actually a very adorable and lovable cat, and her awkwardness makes me want to care for her even more. Sometimes, When I look at her sitting quietly nearby as I ate, and offering a funny response when i call her name, I feel like cuddling her.
I haven't braved a blizzard before, but I think perhaps braving it once might be easier than braving fury for months. It is also quite rewarding.
Bangawan Solo cat
I ate a special muffin, and I'm feeling sad for it, because i realised that it made me happy being able to hold and smell the muffin and poke it softly. But it is gone now, eaten. What have I done ?
I like this. :9
The soup is light with a hearty bonito flavor without being too overwhelming. Char Siew is nicely toasted with just a hint of sweetness. The chef acceded to my request for less noodles as well.
It's at the Forum Shopping Mall.
Today, instead of getting annoyed, I looked at this uncouth kid and it occurred to me that he was seriously messed up, and i was no longer ruffled by his behavior. How the heck does one fix something like this? Maybe I have changed.
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Somebody posted on FB that a n injured kitten was found by the side of a road about half an hour from my place. A friend texted, asking if i could head down take a look. My first feeling upon seeing the photo and location was that the kitten was not going to make it.
I showed the photo to Leo and asked what he thought. He blinked in an unhappy way, as if he had to deal with something unpleasant.
"What do you think, should I go?"
He frowned and meowed as he turned away. The answer felt like a negative.
Strangely, I just wanted to be there. But what's the point ? My logical half queried. I knew I would've flown down if I was alone. There was no point or reason. i just wanted to be there. maybe I could do something, take the already broken little thing to a vet and in the process risk messing the injuries up more perhaps. or pat her head and make the broke creature feel better before it passes on. or something.
But with people around, I suddenly felt obliged to come up with a reason. I hesitated and realized I was immensely daunted by having to explain myself to the people around me. "I want to find out if a kitten by the roadside was still alive and see if I could do something to help." It seemed like an utterly simple statement, but it was intimidating for me to express to anyone else. It's not just about the kitten. It seems like If people asked me about certain things, I'd feel strongly obligated to come up with some other reasons, instead of stating my own thoughts. I think that people would think I'm crazy, tell me i'm being silly, treat me like i'm ridiculous and reject me.
Don't ask me why. I have issues maybe.
I kept a straight face and explained to my mom where i was going, sans details. "just check, don't bring it back," she said. Leo frown-blinked again and meowed. "you're going?" Yes i am, and yes i know there's little chance of anything for the kitten. Whatever. Before we got far, someone else updated the group. Kitten wasn't breathing anymore. We turned back.
I realised it's another lesson for me to be brave with my true intentions and feelings.
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This can't be good - I mean, if someone still panicks or worries about things, then I guess the person still has feelings, no ? But I don't. It takes a tremendous effort just to tell myself to care about something much less give of myself.
My first hypothesis is that i need to get away. Go away somewhere far, to get a"new perspective" so says the jargon, though it is not my own. I wonder if i would feel content feeding horses or planting beetroots daily, but then i am not sure about anything anymore. i feel like i need to lock myself in a quiet room far away, with a pencil, a notebook and stare out of a window and go without talking for a couple of weeks, or go somewhere far away from the maddening crowd. Sometimes I feel like a cat that is being dragged away for a bath - paws outstretched, pushing away, looking for anything, anywhere to get away to.
WH on the other hand agrees with my other hypothesis that in just lazy and apathetic and that I just have to make a choice and psych myself up.
Recently I finished a short story compilation called "The Inheritance". one of the stories, The Fifth Squashed Cat, told about two girls on a road trip. One eventually chose the life of a perpetual wanderer, searching the highway for every fifth dead cat and taking a special bone from the carcass as an elixir of life, to be free of all responsibility except to live and enjoy the moment. The other chose a life of routine, of stability, decent down-to-earth livelihood and didn't become any worse for it. Reading the story, I did not sympathize with the air-head who eventually became a wanderer. I felt better identified with the one who, despite feeling insulted that she was ditched by her friend, went on to a grounded life.
What is the life i want ?
Maybe WH is right. the problem is that I just don't want to think anymore. Maybe I'm just slowly becoming petrified in mind and spirit, and I don't know what my Panacea is.
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Man, I'd be elated if I can have something like that for mine !